People skills. Is that all my family cares about these days?
I was having a perfectly wonderful day today: slept in, got a shower, sat out in the sun with a pen and paper, and basically figured out what I want to do with my life. Then I bounce into the house, ready to tell my favorite person on earth just what my wonderful plans are, and he says: “Well, first you’d need people skills.”
I don’t know why they think I don’t have people skills. When they aren’t around I can handle myself just fine. When I’m forced to be independent I can manage on my own. And when I’m following my dream, doing something I’m passionate about, I can do incredible things.
It’s only when I’m forced to get close to someone that things start falling apart. It’s then that I feel I have to put on a mask to protect the relationship in the long run, to make it last. I continuously hurt those closest to me.
I feel like Elsa today. My brother was only trying to help, to make things better, but while I was trying to save him from myself, I ended up hurting him even more. At first I just asked him to go away, told him that I needed to think for a bit. But as he persisted to knock, I soon found myself screaming at him to leave me alone. Then he did. And I do believe it hurt me more than it hurt him.
Alright, maybe I don’t have people skills. Maybe I stink at communication. But I don’t want to. I want to change, to show my real self to the people who have been watching my mask for so long. But it’s not that easy. I can’t be completely open to anyone. I can’t. People get hurt when there is nothing hidden. Then again, people get hurt when something is hidden, too. But who can I trust? Who will love me even when they know my most foolish fantasies? Who will support me in chasing those fantasies? No one. There is always some layer of criticism, always something they don’t agree with. And maybe they’re right. Maybe I should give up all my hopes and dreams, and simply be a stay-at-home missionary mom. But that seems so lame (no offense). If I surrender myself to that life, I’m afraid I will have nothing to work for, no challenge, no goal. Is that how life is supposed to be? Am I simply supposed to lay myself down and surrender to fate? Am I not encouraged to find something to be passionate about and to chase it? I guess some people find their complete passion in just day-to-day living, and ministering to those they come in contact with then. Some people are wholly satisfied by that. I cannot be. I need something else, something creative and unique, something beautiful to work towards. For me it is that castle, that party venue, that worldly dream. Am I not permitted to be human? Am I not permitted to have a secret joy? Then tell me: must I be a robot? A monotonous copy of a Christian? I think not.