Time to awake

We’re sleeping. I’m sleeping. We’ve been living day to day, assuming that we have tomorrow, taking for granted what we have today that could very well be ripped away from us tomorrow.

I. I’ve been.

I go through periods that I completely distance myself from my emotions. I know exactly what my heart beats for, and that’s exactly what I avoid. Why? Because feeling is hard. Because more often than not, feeling hurts. But while I avoid a lot of hurt, I also avoid a lot of happiness. Of joy. Of fulfillment.

See, I was made to feel. We all were. But we’ve given up on that. Most (and not all) of us have made one of two decisions: to become utterly selfish, and stop feeling completely, trudging day to day, or to become utterly selfish and become drunk on temporary happiness, each time coming back for more and more, unable to get enough to feel joy.

There’s no rainbow without rain.

I must die to myself. I was not created to make sure I was happy, each moment determined by what would please me. I was created to do what God has called me to do, and find joy along the way.

To pick up my cross. Sign my death sentence. Ensure my future. Walk into the place I know I am to die. And do so not because it makes me happy. But because it fills me with joy I cannot explain. A feeling that makes you want to cry and sing at the same time. A feeling that crushes you inside, but a feeling that makes you feel more freedom than you’ve ever known.

I was recently asked a question: what are you holding back from total surrender. My mind told me nothing. I was willing to give up anything. But I couldn’t even make myself believe that lie. My heart told me that I was still clinging to my dreams more than ever. If I had to give them up, I believe I would feel cheated out of life. I was supposed to have an adventure, right? But I know no adventure could measure up for what lies in store for me after I surrender absolutely everything.

So here I am. More than likely, I will have to recommit to this daily, but today I am laying down the last thing I cling to: my dreams and plans. I will not pursue that which I desire, but that which is better than gold. I will trust God that He will love me and make my life, however far from that which I imagined, an adventure of its own.

I surrender all.